Five Bosses You'll Have After College

1. The "Why Isn't This Working?" Boss

At first, you may mistake this guy for an unusually thick intern. But once he parks himself behind his executive credenza and starts bawling about his email client, your ego will be piledrived by the horrible truth: this flailing man-child is your boss.

Odds are you'll never get to your real job, since you'll spend every moment helping this special-needs supervisor send "eMemos" through his "BlogBerry." Why has someone who can't understand how a mouse works been given control over other human beings? Maybe it's fate, or maybe it's because your entire life is the subject of Japan's #1 Hidden Camera Prank Show: "Happy Go Go Dream-Crushing: American Youth Has Maximum Aneurysm With Peanut Sauce."

You May Already Know Him: In college, he was the guy outside your window at 4AM screaming "Why isn't the food court open?" and sobbing while he tugged on the door handle.

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2. The "I Swear This Is All On The Up-And-Up" Boss

Wow man, you hit the jackpot on this one. This boss is young, cool, and a high-powered financial manager who speaks in words that sound like they're worth a million dollars each. Better yet, he said he'd take you under his wing! You're a made man.

What exactly does he do? Something involving doubledown hedge-business trimester merger loans. Right, right, who cares? The money's rolling in, and he trusts you so much that he lets you put your signature on everything right next to his. This guy is awesome.

Weird, though, he should have been in the office by now. I guess he went on vacation. Huh. Looks like he took all the office furniture with him. Come to think of it, where is everyone? Is it a holiday? Better check the news... oh cool, that's your boss's face on CNN!

Oh, hold up, some pretty angry-looking guys in suits are getting off the elevator. Some of them are pointing at you and shouting. I guess they must be friends of his?

You May Already Know Him: "Man, did you know that you get free pizza if you donate blood this year? Yeah? Well, here's the kicker: It can be anybody's blood. No, they don't advertise that, but it's true. Unrelated note: I need you to meet me tonight at nine in the alleyway behind the gym. Bring a bucket."

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3. The "Drink the Kool-Aid? I Love Kool-Aid!" Boss

Work is simple. You go into the office, roll your eyes for eight hours, then you come home and bitch about it to either A) your significant other or B) the internet. Another workday crossed off the calendar before you can finally embrace the sweet release of death.

Not so for Kool-Aid Boss. He's excited to be here. He's excited you're here. He's excited that you, him, and the mammoth, cold, uncaring corporation are all on the same team. Years of mind-sapping tedium have sucked the self-esteem right out of his brain-tubes, and he's now convinced that the company is his only friend.

Will he cheerfully deprive his employees of benefits because a higher-up told him to? Of course! Would he have you killed for the same reason? Maybe. He knows a guy.

You May Already Know Him: "Hey guys, look! A Student Activities knifeless pumpkin-decorating contest! Fuck yes! This is what college is all about, am I right?"

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4. The "I Was Born to Do This" Boss

By now, college and the internet have probably coated your brain in a rich layer of postmodern pseudo-irony that will forever protect it from taking anything seriously or ever knowing true love (sorry about that). But some people have to justify their existence in other ways, like, say, the "I Was Born to Do This" Boss.

It doesn't matter what hellhole you two are working in, your boss wouldn't want to be anywhere else. This job runs in his blood. Working in a shoe store? His ancestors brought the first Foot Locker over on the Mayflower. Selling cutlery sets door-to-door? His great-grandfather was Kleevor the Flesh Render, Emperor of Knives.

You May Already Know Him: "Move it guys, we have a deadline to meet. ClamJams is the only campus magazine currently dedicated to pictures of shellfish dressed to look like famous R&B singers, and I will have your goddamned ass on a platter if you make us look like idiots in the next issue."

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5. The "We're All Going to Die" Boss

Welcome to the team! Great to have you. Now get out your life vest and grab on to something, because all our clients are on fire and our money is imploding.

This boss gives off enough anxiety to power seventeen junior proms. Between the global recession, and the fact that there are eighty million Chinese people who could do his job a hell of a lot better, it's amazing he crawled out of the fetal position long enough to hire you.

Expect mandatory daily meetings full of desperate themes like "The Internet = Wealth Success???" and "Recession-Proof: Incorporating Pornography Into Your Business Model." Eventually one of his doomed ideas will involve firing you. Just don't be surprised when this boss slips you his resume during your goodbye handshake and mouths "take me with you."

You May Already Know Him: "The final is tomorrow? No problem. Just give me a fifth of vodka, a bag of Pete's special brownies and lock me in the supply room. If I huff these along with some of the chemicals in there, there's a small chance I'll be able to escape this terrible dimension of consequences."

new summer to do list

1. breakfast AND lunch AND dinner + moviemarathon
2. eating contest
3. korean bbq
4. bbq
5. beach
6. park
7. sixflags
8. paintball
9. museum
10. walk the brooklyn bridge
11. july4th celebration
12. camping in someone's backyard
13. atlantic city
14. skydiving
15. pretend to be tourists (and wear NASTY fob clothes)
16. mini road trip
17. pedicures (even the guys)
18. laser tag
19. ADVENTURES
20. crabbing/fishing at jones beach
21. attend a tv show recording
22. have our portraits painted in times sq
23. attend an airplane show
24. attend a sporting event
25. go kayaking/ canoeing
26. huge water fight
27. STATUE OF LIBERTY
28. bonfire- roast s'mores
29. go to LI aquarium
30. karaoke
31. sleepover
32. sports day (every sport possible and random games ex: taping our feet together and racing)
33. happy meal party
34. concert
35. improv
36. photo scavenger hunt (we'll make teams)
37. invade Central Park in superhero costumes and pretend to save people
38. visit all 4 boroughs
39. crash a block party
40. picnic in central park
41. make signs in shapes of thought bubbles with things like "her ass is huge" or other random things and we will switch signs and such and not talk at all, but just look at ppl and smile. =D
42. beer games
43. human pyramid with everyone in the group
44. reach 10,000 tagged pics by the end of summer
45. walk on water by making starch water mixture
46. make our own holiday and try to convince ppl it's real (think of names/ideas)
47. bungee jumping
48. trespass dyker park
49. NY Hall of Science (8$ for college kids SCORE)
50. throw paper airplanes from a tall building or bridge.
51. shoot mentos+dietcoke at yo phace!
52. chill for a day until nighttime ... then prepare midnight snacks
53. Go to a spa at 3am (there's a 24hr spa in KTOWN)
54. Silent library
55. make something from http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/
56. party/silly string fight
57. have a legit food fight !

50 Things you must do to be a gay man

1. Out yourself.
This is kind of fundamental, so if you haven't done it yet, go do it now. Go on. We'll Wait.

2. Dance on a podium with your shirt off.
This is most likely to occur at a nightclub or dance party, but score extra points for doing it at your sister's wedding. Being swept up in the music, the crowd, and being half naked is what they mean by the term 'gay abandon'.

3. Call it 'product'.
One day it was hair gel, the next it was product. What changed? You went gay, that's what.

4. Measure yourself.
Curiosity got the better of you and you took a ruler to your privates. Then ego got the better of you and you added an inch.

5. Sleep with your ex-boyfriend.
Most of us have done this. Those of you who haven't
slept with your ex-boyfriend have probably slept with mine. Slut. It's not only an easy lay, it's a good way to find out exactly how over him you really are.

6. Pay too much for clothes.
You paid $270 for a cotton T-shirt bearing the slogan "poor white trash". Ever heard the term 'the pink dollar'? What about 'sucker'?

7. See a shrink.
There's nothing wrong with asking for help. Besides, who else will sit and listen to you talk about you for 55 minutes?

8. Bring your boyfriend home to meet Mom and Dad.
You dressed him, told him what he could and couldn't say, then threw him to the lions - I mean, your parents. If he was a stuttering mess it was probably your fault. Next time, ease him in with a brother or sister.

9. Seriously ask someone, "Does this make me look gay?"
It's one thing to use the word 'gay' as an adjective, but another when it becomes derogatory. How many of us are horrified when our friends turn around and say "Yes"?

10. Vogue.
From the dance floor to the train, you've struck a pose that optimized your best asset. Namely, your ass. Work it baby, work it!

11. Go to Mardi Gras.
At some point, everyone should make the pilgrimage to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. To be counted. To champion gay rights. To get laid.

12. Buy expensive underwear.
Gay men don't buy their underwear in economy packs. If you're still spending seven days in Rio, it's time to lay down some cash. Your boyfriend will thank me for it. Right after he gets over the suspicion that you're sleeping with someone with money.

13. Don't correct the pronoun.
They say "Oh, you're in a relationship? What's she like?" and you reply "She has a penis." You should never intentionally use your sexuality as a punch line - but every now and again it's good for the cause and can be an amusing icebreaker.

14. Have a threesome.
If you believe you're more than one man can handle maybe you should get another one.

15. Shave something.
You went with a razor where most men don't. You plucked where no man has been plucked. You waxed above and beyond. Gay much?

16. Pierce something.
In a moment of bravado, you went and put another hole in your body. Bonus point if it was below the neckline and another if it was below the waist.

17. Refuse to date someone because he's an Aries.
And you're a Pisces; it'd never work out long term. Best you find yourself a nice reliable Taurus with their moon in Virgo and settle down in the suburbs.

18. Defend Buffy.
Be it for it's place in gothic culture or it's modern take on a woman trying to balance career and personal goals, you justify watching one of the most frivolous and camp shows on television. It has nothing to do with Angel's upper body.

19. Cheat.
Yeah, yeah, calm down. I know this isn't exclusive to gay men, but you gotta admit, we do it a little more spectacularly than most.

20. Acquire a fag hag.
More essential than your mobile phone, more fashionable than your Gucci glasses, your fag hag is your mentor, support network and second opinion all wrapped up in one slightly overweight and completely smitten package. Available where most cheesecakes are sold.

21. Relate to a Kylie song.
You can't get him out of your head, you're shocked by the power of love, but he's the devil you know. Je ne sais pas pourquoi? It all seems to sum up your relationship. Assuming you're fortunate to be in a relationship. I should be so lucky.

22. Leave.
You must leave the place you were born and reinvent your new gay self somewhere else. From London to Sydney, Sydney to New York, New York to LA. You've been to Paradise, but you've never been to me--er, I mean you.

23. Forget his name the morning after.
Assuming, of course, he ever told you the night before. If you still want it, there's three ways to get it: ask him to spell it, ask to see the photo on his drivers licence or get him to put his number into your mobile. Of course, these are also good ways to discover if he's remembered yours.

24. Satisfy someone's curiosity.
"I'm not gay, I'm just curious." Uh-huh. The straight boy community service bonk. Bonus point for getting his tongue in your mouth. Another bonus point for getting his tongue in your bum.

25. Sleep with a woman.
If you ever want to find out exactly how gay you are, thy this on for size. Breast assured, you'll know.'

26. Join a gym.
Mostly so you can cruise the locker room, but at some point so you can workout - work out that you don't belong there. Buy an Ab-Shaper and some porn. You'll sweat just as much and it'll cost you less.

27. Believe people are surprised when they learn you are gay. They're not. They're just being polite.

28. Work in hospitality.
It's a miracle the Religious Right ever eat out.

29. Hold hands in public.
Without thinking about the politics or what anyone else thought, you simply took his hand and held it. With that simple act of intimacy you became the only two people on the planet and the rest of the world faded away.

30. Get caught in a compromising position.
Be it by your roommate, your mother, or his boyfriend you were sprung doing something you wouldn't normally see on the Disney channel.

31. Lose your virginity more than once.
You whisper to him "I've never done this before," since you no longer count that worthless ex-boyfriend of yours, the guy you met on-line or that time at the sauna. And hell, it's been so long now it's practically closed over!

32. Perpetuate a myth.
Maybe you can cook. Or you're an flight attendant. Somewhere close to the surface lies an obvious stereotype that belies your sexual identity and explains why you're not married. "Oh, you're a hairdresser. I see*"

33. Shatter a myth.
But maybe you can play football. Or you're a brickie's labourer. You're an enigma wrapped in a riddle wearing footy shorts. Call me.

34. Pay for sex.
Your libido is raging, it's his 'actual photo', it's like dialing a pizza.

35. Have sex in a bathroom.
Classy. Real classy. C'mon guys, location, location, location!

36. Trophy fuck.
The guy everyone used to refer to as 'Oblique Boy' is now referred to as the guy you slept with. Take a bow.

37. Exercise poor judgement.
We all have someone in our past we have trouble justifying. I have two. But the elements conspired and you got involved with a perpetual black mark on your sexual resume. Now let's never speak of it again.

38. Make Love.
At some point, let's hope, every gay man gets to do this with the guy he loves. And not just make love, make really good love.

39. Claim you're on a caffeine high.
Sure you are.

40. Sleep with your best friend.
Oops! But it happened and now you need to minimise the fall-out. Avoid expressions like "You're not as good as you always claimed to be" and "Sorry, I was desperate." Bonus point if you retained the friendship and another if it was a threesome with your other best friend.

41. Fret over the lighting.
There's always that awkward moment when you get back to your place and turn on the lights. It's not that you're worried he's not as cute as he seemed at the club, but whether he's suddenly got an "early meeting".

42. Deny you are gay.
Gay pride is all well and good but on some occasions it's wise to pretend you're straight - at least until that mean old homophobe of a grandfather's dead and you've inherited the cash.

43. Donate sperm.
You're young, handsome, virile and you can co-ordinate your wardrobe. There should be more of you in the gene pool. And considering all the sperm donations you've received, maybe it's time to give some back.

44. Cut someone's hair.
Our sexuality affords us the presumption to redecorate our friends' apartments, arrange their wardrobes and occasionally, cut their hair. What I love is that the breeders are stupid enough to let us do it.

45. Can the small talk.
You don't care what he does for a living, where he bought his shirt or his opinion on performance poetry, just take me home. I'm a busy man.

46. Wear stilettos.
You may do it every weekend, or maybe you did it once in private, but at some point, those high heels had you under their spell.

47. Laugh it off.
Someone in the room made a homophobic joke and you were the first one to laugh. Or maybe you made the joke. Stop taking it all so seriously. We're gay. It's supposed to be fun!

48. Fall in love with a straight guy.
Love is blind - and stupid too. Nothing proves that point more than when we do this to ourselves. If you're questioning his sexuality or sitting there wishing, "If only he was gay*," you need to get over it real quick or subject him to this test.

49. Take it up the butt.
It's not everyone's cup of cocoa but you've gotta do it once to find out.

50. Be proud.
Stand tall and claim your place in the world. You've come a long way, baby!